Change…..

I sit here at my desk and I feel a nervous flutter in the pit of my stomach and I ask myself, “what is that about?” Ah, yes I fly out in 5 hours. Today I fly out to Arizona to go to my yearly Vision Quest. As a Ceremonial Sun Dancer we must do at least one vision quest before the Sun Dance each year and I usually choose to fly out to Arizona to do mine there. I have been looking forward with all my being to this week of silence and solitude. Most people that ask me about what happens during my quest time look at me incredulously when I explain to them that I am by myself confined to my little tent/area, no food by choice and possibly no water by choice for four days. Of course they all think I am crazy. But I honestly don’t have the words to explain the sheer joy that I feel when I am out there, conversing with Creator, battling my little mind demons at first and coming out the other side with an incredible experience, lesson and insight.

This year though, I feel an inner peace, a calmness I have never experienced before. I feel that my quest actually started 28 days ago when I sent in my registration. I have had a shift in me like no other before. I was telling my friend Zalima last night that I feel I am changing. It is unexplainable to me but lately everything brings tears of joys to my eyes. I don’t know if its that I am turning 40 this year but I feel this profound wisdom, peace, joy, beauty and most of all love. I feel that I AM one with God/Creator/Goddess etc. I don’t know exactly what the outcome will be out of this vision quest, but for once in my ever so controlling life and self I am joyous about not knowing and very excited. Today I dance the dance of life and creation!
All good things to you always.

ELA’wa’ diyi Sadayi’ / Evelyn Yllada

The Question of Death…

Today once again I am faced with the duality of my being. I face the human me and the Nuwati. After receiving the news that my uncle Tavo is being sent home in hospice status immediately my eyes watered and my heart sank. The human part takes over and I am a fountain of emotions at the moment. But then Nuwati kicks in somewhere in the back of my head and gently reminds me that this is the cycle of life and in letting go there is true freedom. But the human only wants to cry and be sad because this being that is preparing to cross over is very special to me. And then regret starts to creep in. Regret for not spending more time with him, for letting stupid family arguments get in the way and allowing myself to stay away. This beloved is a being of light on earth. Human in his faults, but a warrior of light in his inner most being. He is one of the few in my family that ever truly understood who I am and saw me. Those few moments that we would have alone and where able to truly talk to one another where moments that made me not question myself and my path. Yet to see him suffering and understanding the pain breaks my heart. For all that I know and have studied I have never been able to understand this of this seemed reality. Why must we suffer? Why must the body be in pain and why should some of us end our stay here in this manner? What is the lesson behind that? Are we truly repaying karma back with this act of suffering? I wish I knew the answer to this so that I may calm my emotions. Now all I do is go into prayer and ask he be taken swiftly and his suffering ends soon. May peace be with all of us always.

 

ELA’wa’diyi Sadayi’ / Evelyn Yllada